Apparently Sex Objects Don't Need Love

I accidentally became one of those online internet celebrities. There are millions of them out there. Musicians, artists, actors, comedians, writers, etc. And of course, the sex objects. The latter would be me. Most of my friends aren't even aware of this. Or not the whole story anyway.

I imagine guys online masterbating to my photos, which creeps me out most of the time. That wasn't my intention. Well not directly anyway. Yes, I was trying to sell sex to a degree. Some of my photos are sexually suggestive but no nudes. It started off as an online marketing scheme to promote a website idea I had.

So let's rewind back to like 2001.

I collected vintage pinup style nude photos for years and thought about putting my collection online in the form of a "members only" website. I've been a member of websites like this and thought. "Why not?" That way, my collection that I spent $1000s on could pay for itself.

I expanded on that idea and bought my domain around 2002. Before punk naked pinup sites started popping up everywhere. Before anyone else thought of it to this degree:

I was going to start a website where I posted photographs I took of models in vintage horror and sci-fi themes. Artistic semi-nudes and nudes... posed like classic movie posters and stills from movies. Nothing too graphic. Well, unless you counted the faux blood...heh

The type of guys that go to sci-fi, horror and comic conventions would have loved it. I've know plenty of them. But that idea died off this year when I finally let the domain name go back on the market.

So now the residue of that dream remains in the form of friend requests and dirty emails I get from complete strangers. Guys AND girls that want to do unmentionable things to my body. And believe me, they type all the graphic details out and send them to me.

So I've got over 10,000 "friends" on my online social networking profile now. And very few true friends in my life and not one single guy that wants me "to be his only". Oh the irony.

In my real life guys don't want me for a girlfriend. The don't want me for my mind, wit, or odd sense of humor. They only text me at 2AM to "hang out". And I couldn't get the same guys to be seen with me in the daylight over dinner.

I mostly get hit on my married men wanting a quick fling. And without even knowing, I've been with married men and ones that have serious long term girlfriends, and even one with a fiancé. Unbelievable, but I always find out after the fact.

And that has got to be one of the most depressing feelings to have. Knowing damn well, that you were just there for a fuck. All the conversation, all the sweet talk was all bullshit.

I'd rather not be a sex object. I'd rather be wanted beyond that carnal desire. I've spent most of my life alone because I desire more from people.

So what is it about me that says SEX but never LOVE to guys? Never commitment?

I may never know.