I Really Don't Want an "Issue"

I need to seriously rethink the "who my friends are" situation. Which I seem to have done most of my life. But I need to somehow find a group of friends that aren't flakes. And are outgoing, get shit done, support one another, etc. You know, options other than everyone I know: lazy alcoholic apathetic jerks.

I got really bummed last night. I had an epiphany about this and it REALLY fucked with my head. I realized that I'm starting to get a real "issue" about it. Like how some people get abandonment issues.

You know what kind of nightmares I have? Ones where everyone disappointments, rejects, cheats, abandons me... and so on.

I've been so used and poorly treated by people for so many years now that I trust VERY few people. I realized I might have a real psychological problem forming when a friend called me yesterday to confirm plans. I didn't believe him. I kept asking "really?" and couldn't even let myself get excited about the plans we'd made for the weekend. The kind of plans I should be overwhelmed with excitement about.

I need a new thing in my life. I have to find whatever it takes to get past this. I refuse to take medication or go to therapy. I've never needed a crutch like that and I'm not starting now.

I can't let these faux friends and their meaningless lives get to me. I've been MUCH LOWER in my life than this and I got past it. I can conquer this too.