I'm Sorry You're Such a Downer

This will probably sound terrible but I need to say it.

I have a casual acquaintance that I've known for years now that got pretty sick in the past couple years. It is really sad and I want to be supportive but I don't know what to say anymore.

And it is the ONLY thing she talks about now.

And the only photos of her now on her online communities now are taken during medical exams and while she was in the hospital.

Here's the thing, she doesn't look sick and she isn't bed ridden.

The mind is a powerful healer. I feel that if you are negative all the time it in turn will create more negativity in your life. So why not remember better days to try to stay positive instead and hope for healthier days ahead.

I can't even bear to reply to her mass emails anymore about her health. And I feel like a jerk for it.

I hope more than anything that I never find myself with some sort of major illness.

I don't ever want to feel and reflect only negativity and despair in my life.

Wow, talk about a big secret!

A young female friend of mine just posted this for all her friends to read. I wonder if it is really true and she'll play it off later like it isn't:

i am tired of all the lies.

i am not even the gender that i claim to be.

i am a man.

the sad thing is that many people probably thinks that this is a prank, when in fact it is not.

i really just want people to understand that this is not a choice. also, i believe strongly in friends and i know that the real friends will stick with me and support me in this life.

i feel dumb saying this now, being stupid and drunk, but nonetheless, it is out.

And if it is true. Does she mean she is "a man trapped in a female body". Or does she really have male parts?

And what does her boyfriend think about all this, whoa.

Sadly, it might have something to do with him moving far away last week.

I Really Don't Want an "Issue"

I need to seriously rethink the "who my friends are" situation. Which I seem to have done most of my life. But I need to somehow find a group of friends that aren't flakes. And are outgoing, get shit done, support one another, etc. You know, options other than everyone I know: lazy alcoholic apathetic jerks.

I got really bummed last night. I had an epiphany about this and it REALLY fucked with my head. I realized that I'm starting to get a real "issue" about it. Like how some people get abandonment issues.

You know what kind of nightmares I have? Ones where everyone disappointments, rejects, cheats, abandons me... and so on.

I've been so used and poorly treated by people for so many years now that I trust VERY few people. I realized I might have a real psychological problem forming when a friend called me yesterday to confirm plans. I didn't believe him. I kept asking "really?" and couldn't even let myself get excited about the plans we'd made for the weekend. The kind of plans I should be overwhelmed with excitement about.

I need a new thing in my life. I have to find whatever it takes to get past this. I refuse to take medication or go to therapy. I've never needed a crutch like that and I'm not starting now.

I can't let these faux friends and their meaningless lives get to me. I've been MUCH LOWER in my life than this and I got past it. I can conquer this too.

A Pointless Conversation

She: "I never saw you with many guys. I always figured you were not interested in relationships at all. And not to get into Psych 101 but I just figured you didn't want to get to close to anyone. You have always been sort of a solitary person, though."

Me: "The funny thing is that it wasn't that I was not dating it was that I was VERY private about my love life. I remember when I started dating Xxxx Xxxx and Xxxx Xxxx felt he had to announce to me that he was glad I had a boyfriend because "everyone had been wondering if I was a lesbian" and I was the only person he couldn't fit into his scheme of things. I mean he literally had a diagram of everyone we knew in Xxxx and who had dated who. He showed it to me and I was this floating name with no connections to it. And there you go. That is exactly why I kept in to myself. At that time I was really not comfortable with everyone being into my personal business. I could care less most of the time now. I've always been a very affectionate person to my friends, lots of hugs. And I'm very passionate too, but I try to keep that behind closed doors or at least in dark corners. You know, when I get a little drunk...hehe"

She: "Oh I hated that stupid diagram, it made me look like such a whore. He would never show it to me either but I'm sure it said: Xxxx Xxxx FUCKED EVERYONE AND IS A WHORE. I thought sex was the same as love. I was young and stupid and just didn't know any better. I wish nobody had know anything about my love life back them"

And well, there you go. Answered your own question huh.

Introduction: Why Brutally Honest Anonymous?

I have a lot of conversations and situations happen to me that can't be repeated out loud to most people. Sometimes because it's a secret. Sometimes it is too adult content, too crass, too much for the general audience. Mostly because my "friends" don't really know me and couldn't deal with these topics.

And sometimes I need to get it out. Even if nobody reads it. I just need to put it out there.

I post several public blogs, but this is where the really good dirt will go. My BlogSecret, if you will.

Enjoy.

PS - If you are one of the privileged few that actually know me, PLEASE do not mention my name in comments or otherwise suggest who I am. Thanks!