Wow, talk about a big secret!

A young female friend of mine just posted this for all her friends to read. I wonder if it is really true and she'll play it off later like it isn't:

i am tired of all the lies.

i am not even the gender that i claim to be.

i am a man.

the sad thing is that many people probably thinks that this is a prank, when in fact it is not.

i really just want people to understand that this is not a choice. also, i believe strongly in friends and i know that the real friends will stick with me and support me in this life.

i feel dumb saying this now, being stupid and drunk, but nonetheless, it is out.

And if it is true. Does she mean she is "a man trapped in a female body". Or does she really have male parts?

And what does her boyfriend think about all this, whoa.

Sadly, it might have something to do with him moving far away last week.

Apparently Sex Objects Don't Need Love

I accidentally became one of those online internet celebrities. There are millions of them out there. Musicians, artists, actors, comedians, writers, etc. And of course, the sex objects. The latter would be me. Most of my friends aren't even aware of this. Or not the whole story anyway.

I imagine guys online masterbating to my photos, which creeps me out most of the time. That wasn't my intention. Well not directly anyway. Yes, I was trying to sell sex to a degree. Some of my photos are sexually suggestive but no nudes. It started off as an online marketing scheme to promote a website idea I had.

So let's rewind back to like 2001.

I collected vintage pinup style nude photos for years and thought about putting my collection online in the form of a "members only" website. I've been a member of websites like this and thought. "Why not?" That way, my collection that I spent $1000s on could pay for itself.

I expanded on that idea and bought my domain around 2002. Before punk naked pinup sites started popping up everywhere. Before anyone else thought of it to this degree:

I was going to start a website where I posted photographs I took of models in vintage horror and sci-fi themes. Artistic semi-nudes and nudes... posed like classic movie posters and stills from movies. Nothing too graphic. Well, unless you counted the faux blood...heh

The type of guys that go to sci-fi, horror and comic conventions would have loved it. I've know plenty of them. But that idea died off this year when I finally let the domain name go back on the market.

So now the residue of that dream remains in the form of friend requests and dirty emails I get from complete strangers. Guys AND girls that want to do unmentionable things to my body. And believe me, they type all the graphic details out and send them to me.

So I've got over 10,000 "friends" on my online social networking profile now. And very few true friends in my life and not one single guy that wants me "to be his only". Oh the irony.

In my real life guys don't want me for a girlfriend. The don't want me for my mind, wit, or odd sense of humor. They only text me at 2AM to "hang out". And I couldn't get the same guys to be seen with me in the daylight over dinner.

I mostly get hit on my married men wanting a quick fling. And without even knowing, I've been with married men and ones that have serious long term girlfriends, and even one with a fiancé. Unbelievable, but I always find out after the fact.

And that has got to be one of the most depressing feelings to have. Knowing damn well, that you were just there for a fuck. All the conversation, all the sweet talk was all bullshit.

I'd rather not be a sex object. I'd rather be wanted beyond that carnal desire. I've spent most of my life alone because I desire more from people.

So what is it about me that says SEX but never LOVE to guys? Never commitment?

I may never know.

I Really Don't Want an "Issue"

I need to seriously rethink the "who my friends are" situation. Which I seem to have done most of my life. But I need to somehow find a group of friends that aren't flakes. And are outgoing, get shit done, support one another, etc. You know, options other than everyone I know: lazy alcoholic apathetic jerks.

I got really bummed last night. I had an epiphany about this and it REALLY fucked with my head. I realized that I'm starting to get a real "issue" about it. Like how some people get abandonment issues.

You know what kind of nightmares I have? Ones where everyone disappointments, rejects, cheats, abandons me... and so on.

I've been so used and poorly treated by people for so many years now that I trust VERY few people. I realized I might have a real psychological problem forming when a friend called me yesterday to confirm plans. I didn't believe him. I kept asking "really?" and couldn't even let myself get excited about the plans we'd made for the weekend. The kind of plans I should be overwhelmed with excitement about.

I need a new thing in my life. I have to find whatever it takes to get past this. I refuse to take medication or go to therapy. I've never needed a crutch like that and I'm not starting now.

I can't let these faux friends and their meaningless lives get to me. I've been MUCH LOWER in my life than this and I got past it. I can conquer this too.

Text Sex vs Text Breakup

Who Dumps Someone Via Text Message?
I mean really now. It blows my mind. Talk about high-tech lameness.

For weeks he is:

Spending a lot of time with me, introducing me to his friends, telling his closest friends how much he's into me, talking with me on the phone for hours at a time, kissing me in public, holding my hand walking down a main road downtown, wanting me to spend the night with him, and the sex. Amazing passionate sex.

Oh and we've let one loose in front of one another too, ha!

Then literally overnight it goes to hell. I send him a text message to say "hi", when I get back home from his place. And mention that we should do dinner next time we hang out.

He replies: "Yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you. I think we should stop the romancing. It is making me really uncomfortable."

WHAT???

Sure didn't seem that way the night before in his bed!

We've still never talked about it though I called him out on "being weird" next time we see one another. He swears he won't be. And of course, he isn't even replying to my texts now.

Whatever, I'm over it.

Besides, I've been getting texts with "hott n00ds" from a guy that has a crush on me out of state. So screw it. Life it too short and I can always have phone/text sex with this new guy.

Sex without the drama. Yes please.

A Pointless Conversation

She: "I never saw you with many guys. I always figured you were not interested in relationships at all. And not to get into Psych 101 but I just figured you didn't want to get to close to anyone. You have always been sort of a solitary person, though."

Me: "The funny thing is that it wasn't that I was not dating it was that I was VERY private about my love life. I remember when I started dating Xxxx Xxxx and Xxxx Xxxx felt he had to announce to me that he was glad I had a boyfriend because "everyone had been wondering if I was a lesbian" and I was the only person he couldn't fit into his scheme of things. I mean he literally had a diagram of everyone we knew in Xxxx and who had dated who. He showed it to me and I was this floating name with no connections to it. And there you go. That is exactly why I kept in to myself. At that time I was really not comfortable with everyone being into my personal business. I could care less most of the time now. I've always been a very affectionate person to my friends, lots of hugs. And I'm very passionate too, but I try to keep that behind closed doors or at least in dark corners. You know, when I get a little drunk...hehe"

She: "Oh I hated that stupid diagram, it made me look like such a whore. He would never show it to me either but I'm sure it said: Xxxx Xxxx FUCKED EVERYONE AND IS A WHORE. I thought sex was the same as love. I was young and stupid and just didn't know any better. I wish nobody had know anything about my love life back them"

And well, there you go. Answered your own question huh.

Introduction: Why Brutally Honest Anonymous?

I have a lot of conversations and situations happen to me that can't be repeated out loud to most people. Sometimes because it's a secret. Sometimes it is too adult content, too crass, too much for the general audience. Mostly because my "friends" don't really know me and couldn't deal with these topics.

And sometimes I need to get it out. Even if nobody reads it. I just need to put it out there.

I post several public blogs, but this is where the really good dirt will go. My BlogSecret, if you will.

Enjoy.

PS - If you are one of the privileged few that actually know me, PLEASE do not mention my name in comments or otherwise suggest who I am. Thanks!