Frighteningly Independent

Here it is, creeping up on five hours away from 2009 and I'm alone. And when it strikes midnight I'll still be. The thing is, that's fine with me. If I can't be with the one I want to be with I'd rather not be with anyone.

This same independence I'm so comfortable with is the one that scares of possible suitors.

Most people have a need to be needed. And I rarely need anyone that badly besides myself that I want someone around all the time.

I can see how that might make someone feel insignificant. And turn them away from pursuing me beyond the bed.

The truth is, sometimes I'm tired of being alone and more and more lately I seem to find the need to have someone in my life again. For the long run.

Maybe 2009 will be the year for love and trust again.

I'd Like You to Meet my Fiancé

So it happened again. Douche bags never cease to amaze me.

I had been talking with a guy online for months. He seemed like a pretty genuine person too. He even offered to come stay with me to help me out with home repairs when he found out I was having financial problems.

At first I hadn't actually thought he was making advances at me.

Then we met in person completely by chance, at an event where we had mutual friends. Seemed like fate.

All evening we talked on and off and the flirting was much more obvious. He was getting progressively more intoxicated which only added to it. As well as making his true intentions clearer.

At one point he stood very close to me and declared that it was obvious we should be together and, "What are we going to do about it?"

He wouldn't stop talking about it so I leaned over and kissed him on the check. That sure shut him up....haha

Then a bit later he sat down next to me at my table and had a very serious look on his face and said he had to talk to me.

Then the truth all came pouring out. "I have been with this girl for years and we are now engaged. I realized 6 YEARS in that we were never going to work out."

Then he went into a story about how his father had pulled him aside and realized the same this. As if that made hitting on my OK.

At this point he is quite drunk. The girl that he came there with comes over to the table to get him to leave and he says, "Oh BTW, I'd like you to meet my fiancé."

She literally picks him up and they stumble out. My mind was blown. And we've hardly spoken since. I'm not honestly sure he even remembers what all happened that night.

Why are engaged men so attracted to me?

What I wouldn't do to me someone's only instead.

I'd rather not be a test of others' relationships.

It Always Ends In Apologies

Nearly every relationship I've ever had that went bad has a follow-up of that other person apologizing to me.

Usually it is many years later after that person has grown and matured and realizes the terrible things they did to me. They feel a guilt about it an have an internal need to make amends with me.

I always wish it had happened a lot sooner though, when it really could have made a difference. When we were still together.

This ritual has happened to me many so many times now that I've come to expect it. I don't take it for granted by any means though. Instead, I welcome it with open arms. Usually I become good friends with this person afterwards.

There is one single person however who has been trying to apologize to me for years now. And I refuse him that pleasure because of the things he did to me during the time we were together. His actions that finally broke my spirit.

It is unlikely I will ever forgive him.

Recently, I got a slew of emails and phone calls from someone I recently dated who really wanted to talk to me.

I stopped speaking to him literally over night. We were spending every day together for weeks. Then I realized he had only carnal intentions. No desire at all to actually care for me in the way I had hoped for.

It was such a hard blow because we had spent YEARS trying to get together. I had imagined him only as a boyfriend. But he only wanted to make out on his couch and wouldn't meet up with me in town for any reason.

Back to his sudden urgent need to contact me again:

He finally said the right thing in one of his messages and I answered his next call. We spent the next half hour catching up. While he apologized profusely and showered me with compliments.

He even admitted that it was me that made him realize where he was going wrong in his life and so he quit his job. That's pretty flattering.

We ended the call with him hinting that he is ready now to focus on me. As in, "I have plenty of time now to do the things you wanted to do with me and I even want a girlfriend now." Coming from him this was a big deal. He just DIDN'T EVER have a girlfriend.

A couple days later I seemed to get a positive sign we should hang out. I called him up and that weekend he picked me up and we headed out to a local holiday type family fair.

He spent the entire time looking like a bored husband at the mall with the wife during holiday shopping, walking far ahead of me, and taking at least 4 phone calls and acting as if I wasn't even there. What the hell?! Everything he had said to me on the phone seemed like absolute bullshit.

I'm not quite sure what to think of it but I won't likely ever call him again.

Important things I've painfully learned:

- ALWAYS trust your gut, don't ignore it. But don't overreact either. Instead, cautiously do your research. THEN act on it.

- Also don't trust anyone who has a need for secrecy in their life about themselves. Especially when it pertains to the relationship you have with them. Whatever that may be. If they hide little things that shouldn't matter, they have issues you need to be aware of.

- There is a difference between being dishonest and having a bit of privacy in your life about some topics. You don't need to tell everyone EVERYTHING about yourself. Not all at once anyway. This is a delicate thing and is different for everyone. You sometimes set yourself up to untrustworthy people by disclosing your weaknesses.

I'm Sorry You're Such a Downer

This will probably sound terrible but I need to say it.

I have a casual acquaintance that I've known for years now that got pretty sick in the past couple years. It is really sad and I want to be supportive but I don't know what to say anymore.

And it is the ONLY thing she talks about now.

And the only photos of her now on her online communities now are taken during medical exams and while she was in the hospital.

Here's the thing, she doesn't look sick and she isn't bed ridden.

The mind is a powerful healer. I feel that if you are negative all the time it in turn will create more negativity in your life. So why not remember better days to try to stay positive instead and hope for healthier days ahead.

I can't even bear to reply to her mass emails anymore about her health. And I feel like a jerk for it.

I hope more than anything that I never find myself with some sort of major illness.

I don't ever want to feel and reflect only negativity and despair in my life.

E) All of the Above = Don't Date

From my experience, some trademark things of older guys that date MUCH younger girls are:

A) A smaller than average penis and/or the lack of experience in bed.

B) Little dating experience.

C) Immaturity.

D) He's actually gay.