Frighteningly Independent

Here it is, creeping up on five hours away from 2009 and I'm alone. And when it strikes midnight I'll still be. The thing is, that's fine with me. If I can't be with the one I want to be with I'd rather not be with anyone.

This same independence I'm so comfortable with is the one that scares of possible suitors.

Most people have a need to be needed. And I rarely need anyone that badly besides myself that I want someone around all the time.

I can see how that might make someone feel insignificant. And turn them away from pursuing me beyond the bed.

The truth is, sometimes I'm tired of being alone and more and more lately I seem to find the need to have someone in my life again. For the long run.

Maybe 2009 will be the year for love and trust again.

I'd Like You to Meet my Fiancé

So it happened again. Douche bags never cease to amaze me.

I had been talking with a guy online for months. He seemed like a pretty genuine person too. He even offered to come stay with me to help me out with home repairs when he found out I was having financial problems.

At first I hadn't actually thought he was making advances at me.

Then we met in person completely by chance, at an event where we had mutual friends. Seemed like fate.

All evening we talked on and off and the flirting was much more obvious. He was getting progressively more intoxicated which only added to it. As well as making his true intentions clearer.

At one point he stood very close to me and declared that it was obvious we should be together and, "What are we going to do about it?"

He wouldn't stop talking about it so I leaned over and kissed him on the check. That sure shut him up....haha

Then a bit later he sat down next to me at my table and had a very serious look on his face and said he had to talk to me.

Then the truth all came pouring out. "I have been with this girl for years and we are now engaged. I realized 6 YEARS in that we were never going to work out."

Then he went into a story about how his father had pulled him aside and realized the same this. As if that made hitting on my OK.

At this point he is quite drunk. The girl that he came there with comes over to the table to get him to leave and he says, "Oh BTW, I'd like you to meet my fiancé."

She literally picks him up and they stumble out. My mind was blown. And we've hardly spoken since. I'm not honestly sure he even remembers what all happened that night.

Why are engaged men so attracted to me?

What I wouldn't do to me someone's only instead.

I'd rather not be a test of others' relationships.

It Always Ends In Apologies

Nearly every relationship I've ever had that went bad has a follow-up of that other person apologizing to me.

Usually it is many years later after that person has grown and matured and realizes the terrible things they did to me. They feel a guilt about it an have an internal need to make amends with me.

I always wish it had happened a lot sooner though, when it really could have made a difference. When we were still together.

This ritual has happened to me many so many times now that I've come to expect it. I don't take it for granted by any means though. Instead, I welcome it with open arms. Usually I become good friends with this person afterwards.

There is one single person however who has been trying to apologize to me for years now. And I refuse him that pleasure because of the things he did to me during the time we were together. His actions that finally broke my spirit.

It is unlikely I will ever forgive him.

Recently, I got a slew of emails and phone calls from someone I recently dated who really wanted to talk to me.

I stopped speaking to him literally over night. We were spending every day together for weeks. Then I realized he had only carnal intentions. No desire at all to actually care for me in the way I had hoped for.

It was such a hard blow because we had spent YEARS trying to get together. I had imagined him only as a boyfriend. But he only wanted to make out on his couch and wouldn't meet up with me in town for any reason.

Back to his sudden urgent need to contact me again:

He finally said the right thing in one of his messages and I answered his next call. We spent the next half hour catching up. While he apologized profusely and showered me with compliments.

He even admitted that it was me that made him realize where he was going wrong in his life and so he quit his job. That's pretty flattering.

We ended the call with him hinting that he is ready now to focus on me. As in, "I have plenty of time now to do the things you wanted to do with me and I even want a girlfriend now." Coming from him this was a big deal. He just DIDN'T EVER have a girlfriend.

A couple days later I seemed to get a positive sign we should hang out. I called him up and that weekend he picked me up and we headed out to a local holiday type family fair.

He spent the entire time looking like a bored husband at the mall with the wife during holiday shopping, walking far ahead of me, and taking at least 4 phone calls and acting as if I wasn't even there. What the hell?! Everything he had said to me on the phone seemed like absolute bullshit.

I'm not quite sure what to think of it but I won't likely ever call him again.

Important things I've painfully learned:

- ALWAYS trust your gut, don't ignore it. But don't overreact either. Instead, cautiously do your research. THEN act on it.

- Also don't trust anyone who has a need for secrecy in their life about themselves. Especially when it pertains to the relationship you have with them. Whatever that may be. If they hide little things that shouldn't matter, they have issues you need to be aware of.

- There is a difference between being dishonest and having a bit of privacy in your life about some topics. You don't need to tell everyone EVERYTHING about yourself. Not all at once anyway. This is a delicate thing and is different for everyone. You sometimes set yourself up to untrustworthy people by disclosing your weaknesses.

I'm Sorry You're Such a Downer

This will probably sound terrible but I need to say it.

I have a casual acquaintance that I've known for years now that got pretty sick in the past couple years. It is really sad and I want to be supportive but I don't know what to say anymore.

And it is the ONLY thing she talks about now.

And the only photos of her now on her online communities now are taken during medical exams and while she was in the hospital.

Here's the thing, she doesn't look sick and she isn't bed ridden.

The mind is a powerful healer. I feel that if you are negative all the time it in turn will create more negativity in your life. So why not remember better days to try to stay positive instead and hope for healthier days ahead.

I can't even bear to reply to her mass emails anymore about her health. And I feel like a jerk for it.

I hope more than anything that I never find myself with some sort of major illness.

I don't ever want to feel and reflect only negativity and despair in my life.

E) All of the Above = Don't Date

From my experience, some trademark things of older guys that date MUCH younger girls are:

A) A smaller than average penis and/or the lack of experience in bed.

B) Little dating experience.

C) Immaturity.

D) He's actually gay.

Wow, talk about a big secret!

A young female friend of mine just posted this for all her friends to read. I wonder if it is really true and she'll play it off later like it isn't:

i am tired of all the lies.

i am not even the gender that i claim to be.

i am a man.

the sad thing is that many people probably thinks that this is a prank, when in fact it is not.

i really just want people to understand that this is not a choice. also, i believe strongly in friends and i know that the real friends will stick with me and support me in this life.

i feel dumb saying this now, being stupid and drunk, but nonetheless, it is out.

And if it is true. Does she mean she is "a man trapped in a female body". Or does she really have male parts?

And what does her boyfriend think about all this, whoa.

Sadly, it might have something to do with him moving far away last week.

Apparently Sex Objects Don't Need Love

I accidentally became one of those online internet celebrities. There are millions of them out there. Musicians, artists, actors, comedians, writers, etc. And of course, the sex objects. The latter would be me. Most of my friends aren't even aware of this. Or not the whole story anyway.

I imagine guys online masterbating to my photos, which creeps me out most of the time. That wasn't my intention. Well not directly anyway. Yes, I was trying to sell sex to a degree. Some of my photos are sexually suggestive but no nudes. It started off as an online marketing scheme to promote a website idea I had.

So let's rewind back to like 2001.

I collected vintage pinup style nude photos for years and thought about putting my collection online in the form of a "members only" website. I've been a member of websites like this and thought. "Why not?" That way, my collection that I spent $1000s on could pay for itself.

I expanded on that idea and bought my domain around 2002. Before punk naked pinup sites started popping up everywhere. Before anyone else thought of it to this degree:

I was going to start a website where I posted photographs I took of models in vintage horror and sci-fi themes. Artistic semi-nudes and nudes... posed like classic movie posters and stills from movies. Nothing too graphic. Well, unless you counted the faux blood...heh

The type of guys that go to sci-fi, horror and comic conventions would have loved it. I've know plenty of them. But that idea died off this year when I finally let the domain name go back on the market.

So now the residue of that dream remains in the form of friend requests and dirty emails I get from complete strangers. Guys AND girls that want to do unmentionable things to my body. And believe me, they type all the graphic details out and send them to me.

So I've got over 10,000 "friends" on my online social networking profile now. And very few true friends in my life and not one single guy that wants me "to be his only". Oh the irony.

In my real life guys don't want me for a girlfriend. The don't want me for my mind, wit, or odd sense of humor. They only text me at 2AM to "hang out". And I couldn't get the same guys to be seen with me in the daylight over dinner.

I mostly get hit on my married men wanting a quick fling. And without even knowing, I've been with married men and ones that have serious long term girlfriends, and even one with a fiancé. Unbelievable, but I always find out after the fact.

And that has got to be one of the most depressing feelings to have. Knowing damn well, that you were just there for a fuck. All the conversation, all the sweet talk was all bullshit.

I'd rather not be a sex object. I'd rather be wanted beyond that carnal desire. I've spent most of my life alone because I desire more from people.

So what is it about me that says SEX but never LOVE to guys? Never commitment?

I may never know.

I Really Don't Want an "Issue"

I need to seriously rethink the "who my friends are" situation. Which I seem to have done most of my life. But I need to somehow find a group of friends that aren't flakes. And are outgoing, get shit done, support one another, etc. You know, options other than everyone I know: lazy alcoholic apathetic jerks.

I got really bummed last night. I had an epiphany about this and it REALLY fucked with my head. I realized that I'm starting to get a real "issue" about it. Like how some people get abandonment issues.

You know what kind of nightmares I have? Ones where everyone disappointments, rejects, cheats, abandons me... and so on.

I've been so used and poorly treated by people for so many years now that I trust VERY few people. I realized I might have a real psychological problem forming when a friend called me yesterday to confirm plans. I didn't believe him. I kept asking "really?" and couldn't even let myself get excited about the plans we'd made for the weekend. The kind of plans I should be overwhelmed with excitement about.

I need a new thing in my life. I have to find whatever it takes to get past this. I refuse to take medication or go to therapy. I've never needed a crutch like that and I'm not starting now.

I can't let these faux friends and their meaningless lives get to me. I've been MUCH LOWER in my life than this and I got past it. I can conquer this too.

Text Sex vs Text Breakup

Who Dumps Someone Via Text Message?
I mean really now. It blows my mind. Talk about high-tech lameness.

For weeks he is:

Spending a lot of time with me, introducing me to his friends, telling his closest friends how much he's into me, talking with me on the phone for hours at a time, kissing me in public, holding my hand walking down a main road downtown, wanting me to spend the night with him, and the sex. Amazing passionate sex.

Oh and we've let one loose in front of one another too, ha!

Then literally overnight it goes to hell. I send him a text message to say "hi", when I get back home from his place. And mention that we should do dinner next time we hang out.

He replies: "Yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you. I think we should stop the romancing. It is making me really uncomfortable."

WHAT???

Sure didn't seem that way the night before in his bed!

We've still never talked about it though I called him out on "being weird" next time we see one another. He swears he won't be. And of course, he isn't even replying to my texts now.

Whatever, I'm over it.

Besides, I've been getting texts with "hott n00ds" from a guy that has a crush on me out of state. So screw it. Life it too short and I can always have phone/text sex with this new guy.

Sex without the drama. Yes please.

A Pointless Conversation

She: "I never saw you with many guys. I always figured you were not interested in relationships at all. And not to get into Psych 101 but I just figured you didn't want to get to close to anyone. You have always been sort of a solitary person, though."

Me: "The funny thing is that it wasn't that I was not dating it was that I was VERY private about my love life. I remember when I started dating Xxxx Xxxx and Xxxx Xxxx felt he had to announce to me that he was glad I had a boyfriend because "everyone had been wondering if I was a lesbian" and I was the only person he couldn't fit into his scheme of things. I mean he literally had a diagram of everyone we knew in Xxxx and who had dated who. He showed it to me and I was this floating name with no connections to it. And there you go. That is exactly why I kept in to myself. At that time I was really not comfortable with everyone being into my personal business. I could care less most of the time now. I've always been a very affectionate person to my friends, lots of hugs. And I'm very passionate too, but I try to keep that behind closed doors or at least in dark corners. You know, when I get a little drunk...hehe"

She: "Oh I hated that stupid diagram, it made me look like such a whore. He would never show it to me either but I'm sure it said: Xxxx Xxxx FUCKED EVERYONE AND IS A WHORE. I thought sex was the same as love. I was young and stupid and just didn't know any better. I wish nobody had know anything about my love life back them"

And well, there you go. Answered your own question huh.

Introduction: Why Brutally Honest Anonymous?

I have a lot of conversations and situations happen to me that can't be repeated out loud to most people. Sometimes because it's a secret. Sometimes it is too adult content, too crass, too much for the general audience. Mostly because my "friends" don't really know me and couldn't deal with these topics.

And sometimes I need to get it out. Even if nobody reads it. I just need to put it out there.

I post several public blogs, but this is where the really good dirt will go. My BlogSecret, if you will.

Enjoy.

PS - If you are one of the privileged few that actually know me, PLEASE do not mention my name in comments or otherwise suggest who I am. Thanks!